Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:" Up quick! My husband is back."

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes "Damn, I'm the husband!"

Man calls home.

Maid answers phone.

He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"

She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."

He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."

Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."

5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"

He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."

She says, "We don't have a pool."

He asks, "Is this 555-8372?"

SAM and JIM were sitting on a bus when a lady gets on the bus with a face made up to kill – blood red lips, several layers of base and such massive eyelashes that she can barely keep her eyes open. There is no vacant seat, so she stood hanging onto the leather strap. ”Hi Jim“, shouted SAM, ”why don’t you offer the lady

your seat?“ when Jim replied; ”But why, a painting is made to hang!"

Q: “Have you ever read Shakespeare?”
Sardar: “No, who wrote it?”

ANESTHESIA
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

A news channel gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident
at Amritsar station. Only one sardar left alive.

The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait kar
rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai.
Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye
patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi.

News correspondent: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.
Sardar: oye nahin ji main to suicide karne ki liye patri par hi leta tha.
Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya .

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

Thedoctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"Two hundred seventy-four," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Skip A Day
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.' Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.

It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well, 'replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope, 'said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

Care for your Mother-in-law
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

Black and White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

The Line-up
In heaven there were two lines. One said "Men who were bossed by their wives," and the other one said,"Men who weren't bossed by their wives".

There was a big line for the first one, but then the man who was checking peoples name in the book of life saw one man in the other line. So he told the guys to wait. He asked the man why he was in that line.

The man replied,"My wife told me to.

Regrets
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out

Private Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. ''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''You killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy.

The third ugly guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.''

He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' ''Because she killed a bird with a stone.''

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"Two hundred seventy-four," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.
_____Gud it wsnt the 3rd time__!

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Explaining Marriage
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

Dinner guest

"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife.

"Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married."

Santa: My wife is still scared of water
Banta: how come?
Santa: yesterday when i went home, she was in the bath tub with the security guard!!

Santa to his wife: darling, years ago u had a figure like coke bottle.
Jeeto: yes darling i still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.

Nurse: congrats santa, you are a father.
Santa: don't tell my wife, i want to surprise her!

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde : We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator : Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde : Yes.

Operator : The power in the house in on?
Blonde : Of course.

operator

Operator : And the switch is on?
Blonde : Yes, yes.

Operator : And the bulb still won’t light up?
Blonde : No, it’s working fine.

Operator : Then what’s the problem?
Blonde : We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves

One boy: When my grandfather died he left 10 million dollars.

Second boy: When my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars.

Third boy: That’s nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole world.

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

Wife: Honey, if I die would you get married again?
Husband: No dear.
Wife: I'm sure you would.
Annoyed husband: Okay, I would.
Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed?
Husband: Ya, I guess so.
Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes.
Husband: No, she is taller than you.

A Little boy asks a pregnant lady: Aunty, what is inside your stomach?
Lady: A cute little baby.
Boy: If it is cute, why did u eat it?

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."  

"What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
“Hey vaheguru meri lottery lagady.”
After 11 years VaheGuru angrily appeared
& said,”Khoti de putar 1 vari ticket te le ley”
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
“Hey vaheguru meri lottery lagady.”
After 11 years VaheGuru angrily appeared
& said,”Khoti de putar 1 vari ticket te le ley”

Husband wife mein larai hoi,
Husband ghar se chala gaya,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,”Khanay mein kia hai”
Wife:Zeher.
Husb:Mai dair se aonga, tum kha kar so jana:D

A man sees a fat man
sitting in a train cabin.
Taunting, he asks:
Is this cabin for elephants only!
Fat man humbly replies:
No!Even monkeys like you can sit!

News reporter:
KHAN SAAB ye batain k plateform
par kharay saray pathan kaisay maray?
Pathan: aik elan hua k train plateform per aa rahi hai,
sub ne patri par chalang laga di.
Reporter:Phir aap kaisay buch gaye?
Pathan:main khudkushi k liye patri per leta tha,
ye elan suna to main plateform per ja ker lait gaya:)

Aaj “TOM & JERRY” ki barsi hai
un ki yaad mein
plz ye SMS kam se kum kisi
1 “CARTOON” ko zaroor send karo,
me ne apna farz pura ker dia.
ab aap ki baari hay

Pundit:-Tumhare jeevan me 6 larkian ayengi.
Bow:Wow, kia bat hai.
Pandit:Ziada khush hone ki baat nahin hai.
1 ghar wali or 5 betiyan hain

1 Boy:Yar larkion ko “I love you”
kehnay ki sub se achi jaga kon si hai?
2 boy:Mazaar
1Boy:woh kion?
2boy:kion k wahan unke paon mein chappal nahin hoti.

Once there was a mirror which used to kill “LIERS”
FRENCH:I think I don’t smoke (killed)
AMERICAN:I think, I love Iraq(killed)
PATHAN:I think (killed)

1 sardar rail ki patri per sogaya.
1 admi ne kaha kia ker raho ho?
Train aayegi tu mar jao gay!
Sardar:Mairy oper se jahaz guzar gaya
tu kuch nahin howa, rail kia cheez hay?

Impact of Movies:
Teacher :- Who is Mahatma Gandhi?

Student:- He is the one who helped
Munna Bhai to impress his girlfriend!

Police:Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police:Kion has rahe ho?
Sardar:Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hon.!

1st ever intelligent sardar.
Teacher: what do u call a person
who cannot hear anything?
sardar: u can call him anything,
because he cannot hear anything:-)

Girl:Me tumse shadi nahi ker sakti
isliye ye lo apne love letters
or mere mujhe wapis karo!
Boy bari c basket samne rakhte howay,
Is me se jo jo tumharay hain nikal lo!

Doctor:
Ye syrup 2 spoon subha,
2 dopahar,
2 raat ko,
3 din tuk lena hay
Pathan:apna dawai apna pas rakho
hamara ghar me itna chamach(spoon) nahi hy.